I HATE THIS PLACE;

today just was not a good day at all

First I woke up from what someone normal would call a good dream but to me it was a nightmare. Why did Vance have to show up in my dreams and hold me and kiss me and tell me that he loved me when I fell asleep thinking of Casey? Why Vance when he hurt me just as bad [if not worse] then Casey did. He doesn’t love me. Why bother dreaming that nightmare? So I woke up in a sour, sad mood.
Breakfast was stuffed french toast. I hate french toast. It’s disgusting. I wouldn’t eat so five exchanges of ensure for me.
Morning snack, rice pudding, another dislike. I asked for something else. They wouldn’t give it to me so two more exchanges of ensure for me. Completely unfair. I don’t want them to think I’m refusing to eat-I would have eaten if it hadn’t been food that I don’t like-I don’t want to be kept her longer because of that.
Then my therapist tells me I can’t go out on the outing today or have any passes yet because the DROPPED ME A LEVEL. Basically because the Doctor shouldn’t have told me I was up a level without consulting the rest of the team first. But I know it’s really because they found a fucking one hitter in my belongings when I came here. [also just found that out today] It was shoved in with my panty liners. It’s mother fucking Bobbie’s one hitter. WHY IS IT IN MY THINGS? WHEN DID IT GET THERE? HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN THERE? I don’t know the answer so any of these questions. And I am so pissed at Bobbie right now it isn’t even funny. I don’t think she put it there to hurt me. It just never should have been there in the first place.
Group made me deal with feelings and memories I hide from and numb away with the help of my eating disorder, self harm & drugs. I couldn’t deal with it. Cried like a baby in my room. Nurse felt sorry for me and let me use my ipod- after I promised not to strangle myself with it.

& lastly I don’t feel as if any of the other girls here really like me. They all hate me and what me to go. I don’t belong. I just know it.

oh yeah;

before I was put in here my thighs didn’t touch

I had the gap! The magical, graceful gap~
I was elated

I think I’ve gained
I think I’ve lost it

I’m so disappointing and angry
I’m going to demand to know my weight tomorrow